Now I'm finally doing something just for me! Every mother probably makes this resolution at some point, only to then throw it overboard in the chaos of everyday family life. Between the stress of deadlines, household, job and the needs of all other family members, their own usually get neglected. The result: Mama is always tired, her thoughts are constantly stuck in the "should-have-could-should-should-loop" and the only thing she really wants is to just have peace and quiet and not have to do anything.
The fact that mothers are increasingly feeling completely drained and overwhelmed is mainly due to the multiple burdens they are exposed to every day. They feel responsible for ensuring that everyday family life runs smoothly. According to a study by the German "rheingold institute", nine out of ten women see themselves as "managers of the family". In addition, every second interviewee would rather do household chores themselves than delegate them to their partner, and every third person sees their partner as another child. None of this makes life easier for a woman.
Unrealistic expectations and demands. In addition, there are unrealistic expectations of mothers and high demands - especially from the mothers themselves. They constantly try to be perfect. After all, you can see on Instagram & Co. how to do it...
The German author and mother of three, Nathalie Klüver, has long since stopped hearing this tale about the always happy mother. Because yes, of course children are a gift, but in fact negative feelings can also be part of a life as a mom. "It's completely normal to be tired, annoyed and unhappy from time to time," she writes in her book The Art of Not Being a Perfect Mother. “Life with children is often quite exhausting – and nobody prepares you for it. Unfortunately, these negative feelings as a mom are often portrayed as not normal. Before the birth of their first child, many mothers do not realize that these feelings will also come to them. They report that they approached parenting with absolutely no clue and absolutely wrong ideas.”
Women feel like failures. If they don't meet the expectations that society, the media, their own parents or other mothers have of them, women immediately feel like failures. Very often they prefer to eat their worries and thoughts inside themselves instead of sharing them with others. You clench your teeth until you can't take it anymore. And which mother doesn't know this feeling when she loses her temper, screams and cries because of a little thing?
That's why it's so important for women to take good care of themselves. This is the only way they are prepared for everyday family life and its daily challenges. For author Nathalie Klüver, learning to say no is a magic formula for having more time for yourself. Both at work and in the private sphere. Women tend to take on too many things out of the quest for harmony and always fulfill the needs of everyone else first.
Multiple stress underestimated. Manuela Irene Koller is a life and social counselor in Feldkirchen and knows how difficult this balancing act can be in a woman's life. “For everything you love, you usually give a special effort. That's a good thing, because it ensures that our children can grow up in a caring and loving environment," she says. "Many mothers live this 'primal instinct' very devotedly and with high demands on themselves. However, the fact that there is often a multiple burden of raising children, work and household is usually given too little attention."
If you then add extraordinary stresses such as homeschooling, social isolation and important health decisions for you and your children due to the pandemic, this can cause permanent stress. If countermeasures are not taken in good time, it can happen that you work to the point of complete exhaustion and slide straight into burnout (see also the interview on p. 19).
Create islands of time for yourself. To prevent things from happening in the first place, it is important not to neglect yourself and your needs, but to keep creating islands of time to satisfy them. In her book, mother of three, Nathalie Klüver, has collected countless tips for more me-time, which sometimes seem banal and yet are so good. Or have you ever thought about going to bed just after the kids once a week to get an extra portion of sleep, or just staring into the distance for a few minutes, breathing deeply in and out and the thought carousel to stop consciously?
Mums should also be aware of another important point: They don't lose their heads when they ask for support or accept help that is offered and don't reflexively reject it. "You don't always have to do everything on your own," emphasizes Nathalie Klüver in her book. “On the contrary: you can and should accept help and ask for it. The men have to relieve their wives and the children can also help with certain household chores. Mamas are not their children’s servants!”
No more perfectionism. By the way, the author recommends the following principle to Mamas: Stop perfectionism! You don't have to be perfect, good enough is enough! Because anyone who always wants to give 100 percent and do everything 100 percent will quickly realize that firstly the effort is not appreciated and secondly that an 80 percent result would have done the trick. It is also worth rethinking and setting new priorities. A regular “stocktaking” helps to separate what is really important from what is unimportant.
And ask yourself a question that can help you make that distinction: When you're 80, do you want to look back on your life and praise yourself for always keeping the house in good shape? Or do you want to look back on a life full of laughter and funny moments?
