Jungle camp 2022: Filip the First, King of South Africa, and the three muscle animals

Dirty lies, mock indignation, manipulative representations of context, alternative facts, outrage and hate. But enough of how "Bild", the new right-wing "JF", AfD and "Welt" are trying to construct a scandal about Interior Minister Nancy Faeser. Let's get to the jungle camp.

There's a whiff of melancholy about the South African prairie, because all the kudu penises are eaten, all the vigils are kept, and all the exclusives are out. The 2022 season of the resocialization program launched by RTL 18 years ago for dead people in the entertainment scene who accidentally got into financial difficulties is over. The scepter is taken, the king is crowned. The eleven knights of the Schwafelrunde are back in real life. There they lovingly and excitedly take care of their most important caregivers, who have been neglected for the past 16 days. The followers of their Instagram accounts.

And there's a lot to do, because this season really had everything that belongs to a properly curated exhibition of trash TV artwork: Janina Youssefian's early expulsion after the racism scandal. Tara Tabitha's heroic journey from dishwasher to toenail millionaire. Harald Glööckler's redefinition of the lifestyle of a vegetarian or Peter Althof's application for "7 days, 7 heads" - just to name a few. Also: A worthy finale.

The last day in the pandemic emergency quarters South Africa starts with a detailed debriefing of Friday's team test. Finalist Manuel Flickinger remembers it particularly vividly: "They sprayed my ass all the time." A sentence that can have very different meanings. A different one at the jungle camp than, for example, in a botox studio or at a gang bang party.

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You can stand under my Manuella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh

At the last meal together the night before, when Harald Glööckler and Peter Althof, who had since been fired, still had sparse hopes for the king of the jungle, it was about much more innocent things. In view of the five different colored mini tomatoes, Manuel announced that he would prefer the orange tomato because he doesn't like the green ones. Well, the green tomatoes, not the fun party group around Annalena Baerbock and this guy who sometimes seems a bit overwhelmed when it comes to topics like KfW building subsidies or Corona aid.

He (Manuel now, not Robert Habeck) is at the completely wrong address with design and botox legend Harald. Picking out the raisins secretly doesn't go down well with the inventor of the rhinestone lifestyle: "You're also a hit, you always have the same preferences." It sounds a bit like preference being an illness. Interesting idea. Harald Glööckler stops by his family doctor for a routine check-up, and he then says: "You must be very strong now, we have discovered an acute preference. Final stage."

Well, come on. Very tired gag, okay. But I also had to write down Peter Althof's jokes for 16 days, so I beg your indulgence here. The almost jungle king Glööckler also expects them. For not taking part in every test: "A king doesn't roll in the dirt. I have to be careful not to spoil my image." Even the 100,000 euros that he didn't win didn't leave him with any pain of separation. In the farewell banter with Peter, who was thrown out, he reveals: "My wallpaper collection is in 500 hardware stores, it must have gone really well here during the time, so I've already got the 100,000 in again". Naturally. Who wouldn't like to live in an apartment beautifully wallpapered with pompous Glööckler designs? A house with walls covered in patterns like Gianni Versace in his prime. At least if he had been blind in his prime and done paint-by-numbers on LSD.

The three intellectuals ???

So there were three more. The three final musketeers Eric Stehfest, Filip Pavlovic and Manuel Flickinger will each take part in a test at the end of the national celebrity games in order to win a luxury meal for the final trio at the end. Final musketeers, or as dumbbell sport fetish Filip says: "muscle animals". Yes! The three Musketeers! This is the famous trio of Axel Schulz, Wladimir Klitschko and Henri Maske. By the way, all three are hot contenders for the field of participants in the jungle camp next year. But let's stay in the present and start the three-way battle.

Gentlemen camper Filip is the first to say goodbye to his exam. As you know him, of course extremely polite and on an international level: "I kiss your ices." For all readers who are fluent in English up to Lothar-Matthäus-Level, here is the translation: "I kiss your cornettos." As a reward, Filip is given a test in which he has to endure being chained to ants, snakes, crocodiles, giant cockroaches and all sorts of other jungle creatures for ten minutes. Lying chained on his back, unable to move and constantly terrified of what is about to fall on him – he knows this situation from the time when Tara was still in the camp.

It's a walk in the park for Olaf Scholz's hookah coalition partner. It easily gets all five stars. At home on the receivers, the nation writes bloody fingers with complaint emails to RTL. What a wasted opportunity. Couldn't Filip match a few famous buildings to the correct cities or solve a few math problems? This is no longer my RTL.

Real or hoax? Olaf Scholz Filip Pavlovic is said to have written this on Insta

Manuel, he's not diving

After that, Eric Stehfest is at the exam series. Stehfest is considered a solid mix of Justin Bieber and Joko Winterscheidt. Or specifically: He has Bieber's tattoos and Joko's glasses. He gets the traditional final eating test. For his five-course sausage menu, head chef Dr. Bob Ducasse lists everything that the disgusting cuisine of the South African jungle has to offer: impala brains, cockchafer larvae or kudu urine. Eric has been awake for nine days, and snacks from parts of his body that are normally unsuitable for consumption leave him completely cold. He gets four stars.

For Manuel, who is responsible for the desserts in the dinner exam game, things are not going quite so smoothly. He has a diving trauma and then bad luck with the exam assignment. His challenge is more unfortunate than Novak Djokovic's attempt to cheat his way to the Australian Open. At some point during the test, Manuel finds himself submerged with his entire head. A situation that is as unthinkable for Manuel as decadence detox for the Geissens. He breaks off his challenge - no points for Manuel, no tiramisu for Filip.

Anyway, thanks to Filip and Eric's heroic star haul, the final trio feasts on bruschetta, avocado salad, fries, cheeseburgers, and a variety of other delicacies. After 15 days of malnutrition from beans, rice and a few scraps of meat from animals that would have to be imprisoned in Germany for the import, probably better anyway.

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North German faux pas be forgiven for Filip

Shortly thereafter, Manuel Flickinger is well fed by the spectators taken from the jungle race. Bronze medal for the envoy of the TV Now hit documentary "Prince Charming". Manuel has to give up first in the final, but is still considered the biggest surprise. In surveys shortly before the start of this year's jungle adventure, the judicial specialist was still considered the candidate with the lowest level of awareness. Next, the audience hands over the silver medal to Eric Stehfest via telephone voting. That's the bigger surprise. Many keen observers of the season were certain that Stehfest would go down in jungle history as the winner. After all, viewers have been able to call out for him since 1311. At that time still via carrier pigeon. 80 pieces of silver per pigeon (pigeons from the mobile network may be more expensive).

Nevertheless, qualifier Filip Pavlovic prevailed in the end. I'm also very happy because, like me, Filip was born and raised in Hamburg. Well, instead of "Moin" he says "I kiss your eyes", but anyone who has ever blown a coalition whistle with Olaf Scholz in shisha bars in Altona will also be forgiven for this North German faux pas.

Filip is touched and accepts the election and is happy: "I am the first and maybe the last king of South Africa." OK. Then maybe someone from production would have to go through the rules of the game and winning modalities for the jungle camp with Mr. Pavlovic. Just to be on the safe side. Not that he wants to be driven to Cape Town in a stretch limousine tomorrow and move into the government building there. So congratulations to Filip. And all the best for the future. I wish you a more bombastic career than the last king of the jungle had. Prince Damien wasn't even allowed to open hardware stores, but it's not his fault, it's Corona's fault. So much for the jungle camp 2022. But as Sepp-Daniel Hartwich-Herberger said so beautifully: after the jungle is before the jungle. From now on, the RTL investigative team "D-Promi" is looking for suitable candidates for the 2023 season. And who knows, maybe we'll read each other again in a year! Until then, stay healthy!

More information about the jungle camp 2022 can be found here