Secret of a long relationship: Why the typical recipes don't work - and what really matters

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When there is a crisis in the marriage or relationship, many couples find it difficult to find a solution. Often there is a constant living apart and side by side or finally the separation from each other. The couples therapist Anette Frankenberger has good news: "The way out of a crisis is often easier than you think. Yes, it even has to feel good: After all, both want to be happier and not unhappier."

The expensive diamond necklace, the adventure trip around the world, the joint dance course, the exhausting crisis talk that may only end with outbursts of anger and tears - all of this can be spared: "Something like a tango course can even turn a tricky relationship into a total disaster steer," she observes, "both partners must really feel like it."

Basic recipe for long relationship in one word

She names a question that everyone should ask themselves in a relationship:

The main mistake in marriages - in addition to a lack of friendliness in everyday life and mutual trust: "Assuming I know what the other is like," summarizes the Munich therapist in an interview with our editors. "We save everything that we learned about the other person at the beginning, we no longer question it, often we don't ask anything at all anymore. A person always remains exciting. But if I no longer see him at all, I no longer see what actually connects us and what I appreciate about him. Everyone knows that in reverse: how nice it is to feel noticed."

She names one word as the key to a long, happy marriage: curiosity.

"This covers both directions of perception: I look at the other person because he or she interests me, and the other person feels seen." Anyone who is only tormented in a relationship should separate with dignity and respect, says Frankenberger, "but if I want to stay with my partner, I have to remain curious about him!"

Get to know the other person anew by asking questions

Easier said than done when two people have been working well as parents for years, but have lost sight of each other as a loving couple and only see the other as a partner for small talk. How do you turn the lever? As a possible way, Frankenberger recommends books like "100 Questions That Save Your Relationship", "All About Me" or "All About Us", which contain questions like these:

"Questions like that on a cozy evening on the couch help to get out of the rut and get into a deeper conversation. It doesn't take as much effort as a 'We have to talk seriously about our relationship today', but has something playful about it." It is also an opportunity to learn to appreciate the common past again:

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Typical: one marriage, two languages

Even in everyday life, questions are the way to turn to the other: How are you today? How was your day? What is your back/headache doing? Frankenberger mentions two further points that everyone should fundamentally deal with:

Often it would come to light that married couples have been speaking different "languages ​​of love" for decades: "For example, he considers it an expression of his affection to fit her the summer tires. But she understands something completely different from a token of love and therefore waits in vain for a sign ." In this way, two lovers often misinterpret and signal each other, although it could be so simple: "If you give a lot of everyday tenderness, that is exactly the language of love for you. Recognizing this helps me as a partner. Of course, it's even better to talk about it speak. This is how I find out what the other person needs instead of starting from myself."

Distinguish solvable from unsolvable problems

The last words should actually be underlined in red. Because whoever starts out from himself, possibly also leads eternal battles against the character traits of the other, which he will never discard. "You never win such a fight because you can't fundamentally change another person," says Frankenberger. Therefore, she recommends couples:

Different perceptions of order and chaos are an example of unsolvable problems: "I can only accept it and look for the solution in a different way, for example with the help of a cleaner." With solvable problems, you could always find ways by saying them: "For example, if I'm unhappy with the division of housework. Or I want to sleep in two bedrooms because the other one snores."

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A couple who accompanied her in her practice decided in retirement to move into different apartments: "Because she could no longer endure his chaos. For the two of them it was a 'together apart' (together apart, note ) an admittedly unusual but better solution than unhappily living together or getting divorced." The sticking point was the realization: "In the long run, neither of us can bend."

Formula for happiness - and why we always have a choice

Small gifts for great love

Many couples have to thoroughly renovate their "house of the relationship" in the course of a marriage. In addition to communication and questions, there are the many small things in everyday life that become indispensable tools: "A flower here, a note there, a lot of friendly words, say thank you and ask for something," Frankenberger lists.

The American therapist John Gottman summarizes all this under the motto "Small things often". The psychologist, also known as the "Einstein of love", even came up with a formula for happy marriages: "5:1". Frankenberger explains: "It's about dealing with each other. Positive actions should outweigh negative behaviors at least five times."

The therapist cites a description of Gottman's own experience as an example: "He lies in bed and reads. By chance his gaze falls on the mirror in the adjoining bathroom, in which he sees his wife's face. She looks sad." As always, you have a choice in such a situation: "I can continue reading. Or I can ask what's bothering you - with the risk that it has to do with me." Turning towards or away: Frankenberger sees something essential in this: "Because these moments exist every day. It is important to perceive and seize them."